Dear 2016 me,

This year past by so slowly and quickly at the same time. This year, you've experienced more than you ever thought you'd experience in a lifetime.

For one, you got your first job. And while you're still struggling to find your place at work, you're not giving up just yet. You're reminded that you're here for a reason, and while it may seem so difficult on most days, you tell yourself you must make it through anyway. If not for anyone, but yourself.

This year, you also lost the most important family to you. You always knew how much he meant to you, but losing him was never in your contemplation. Most nights you get by just fine, but there are the night when your heart aches so badly, you never thought it could ache this much. And when those nights come by, the tears fall uncontrollably. You never know if you would ever heal from this wound, you can only hope and wish one day you would.

Even though the year seem so bleak, you also said "yes" to an individual you've decided to dedicate the rest of your lifetime with. It was an easy yes because you knew from the start he was the one. And more than anything, you're just thankful you've got him to ride through this crazy thing called life with you. For once in this year, you felt blissful.

As the year draws to an end, you're reminded of family and friends and the people who make you - you. You are grateful for the lessons life has thrown you, but more than that you give thanks that you have another day on this earth to spread joy to those you love. You are reminded that we tend to take life for granted, and that while you may be so caught up with work, you miss the things that truly matters to you and make you who you are. And when you look back on life, you realise that 2016 may not have been easy, but it is, after all, only a fraction of the life you will live.

You will continue to meet new people, new challenges and new experiences that will shape you into the person you're called to be. But always remember to stay true to who you are. And always remember the ones who stuck through with you. Be humble, be grateful and be genuine always.

Most importantly, always remember your One true constant in life, the One who sees you through the seasons, the One who has loved you and will always love you.

In His Love,
The 2016 me.

Christmas will never be the same again because you're no longer around. What can I say?

I still miss you, so much. 

The one thing that hits all the wrong buttons with me - passing judgment.

It irks me more than anything when people are so quick to point out what they believe is wrong (even though it may be subjective) and impose their standards on me.

To which I would say "Please get off your high horse and stop acting like you're so righteous, because let's face it, we're all sinners."

Back to my trusty glittergurl-.bs because sometimes it's easier writing my thoughts.

Decisions, choices.

Last night, Jonathan and I had a conversation on the living arrangements after marriage (assuming we get married).

At the back of his head would always be his mother and how he would / may eventually have to move out.

He asked me what my thoughts on this was, and I put it to him simply.

"She is always welcomed to stay, but I would still want to live alone, at least in the initial stages of my marriage."

Jonathan wasn't too happy when I said that.

He said he couldn't bear to leave his mother alone at home.

Then I thought to myself,

"am I being very selfish to want to live 1 - 2 years alone? it's not like I intend to live permanently away, because eventually, we would move back. After we had children I would move back. And if it pleases you, for the rest of our lives, we will live together. Is it very selfish for me to ask for 2 years in the whole 20 over years that I would be willing to live together?"

"I am not even saying "no." but would you in the very same vein "allow" my father / mother to live with us after we got married? The argument that you would raise is that your mother is very old, but I honestly, with all due respect don't think she is old (my mother / father is 5 / 6 years older than your mother). Assuming we got married in 2018, she would be 58 and I personally think a 58 year old is fit enough to live alone. (you can beg to differ). And by the time we move back (two years later) she will be 60. I think it would be filial enough of us if we only move back then (which can you beg to differ again)."

I told Jonathan that Singapore is very small, and it truly is!, and that I'm not trying to uproot him to another state, and that we would visit often.

Then Jonathan said,

"do you know that normally traditional chinese families, the only son stays at home?"

Then I thought to myself,

"no I do not know that 'normally' the only son stays at home. and neither do I want to base my standards on 'normally' because that would just open a can of worms. does your sisters intend to live with their in-laws for good? the last I remembered, they both married only sons. Would your mother want her own daughters to live with their in-laws? because as you said, "normally" they would, why aren't they expected to then?"

"If I am not going to be your priority after marriage then I don't know if I can reconcile that with myself."

Then I said,

"I've had this conversations with my friends before, and even my friends with divorce parents and they being the only son, feel that it is necessary / not unreasonable to live apart. And that it is okay, because Singapore is really small."

Then Jonathan said,

"My relationship with my mother is different."

Then I said,

"I am not asking you to leave your mother!"

Then I thought to myself,

"If you've already decided on something, why do you bother asking what my opinion is? And if I don't agree to it, does it mean that it's one or the other.?"

After the conversation, I felt very perplexed because I tried to rationalise with myself whether I was being selfish or not.

I thought to myself,

Is it because I'm living with you now that I will forever be indebted to your parents? That because I'm living with you now, I am in position to decline when your mother wants to live with us next time? The thought of it suffocated me, and I wanted so badly to move away, but then I would have no where else to go. I hate being obligated to people.

Is it because your father is permanently overseas that you have to assume his role as a husband? I think I may sound selfish, but I don't think I can do that.

I am not asking you to be unfilial or anything, in fact I don't think I'm asking above and beyond what an individual can ask, but am I still deemed to be selfish / not understanding?

If we come down to the situation where we can't reach a compromise, do I have to choose to live with it, or walk away?

When I walk away, will I be able to do it?

I don't ask for a lot in life, but sometimes, I really don't know how much I must compromise.

Am I upset?

Yes, I am.

But how much does it matter to you anyway?